Dengue did not kill, despair almost did !

It was during the later half of my study holidays before the pre-final MBBS university exams, the time when a sense of fear and helplessness finally motivated me to start reading. On that evening, just 3 days before the first theory exam, I found myself lying on the bed with the book, casually reading. Suddenly, I felt the room get colder. I got up and turned off the fan and lay again. I felt a little fatigued too. I didn't bother much. I kept reading. But an uncomfortable feeling soon overcame me. I thought I might be running a fever. So I touched my forehead and felt it a little warmer than usual. I didn't understand why nor did I bother to take a pill. I kept on reading and checking my mobile phone for texts, as usual. But, in a matter of few minutes, I could feel my hot breath hit my chest. I was getting heated up and my skin was now feeling like a hot pot. I was a little disturbed. I took a paracetamol tablet, kept my book aside, put off the lights and closed my eyes. I hoped that everything would be OK when I woke up. I didn't speak about it to anybody in the house. It was around 8.30 pm when I fell asleep. It probably might have been very strange for others if they'd noticed that I'd slept so early with my exams right around the corner.

Angel of Grief  by William Wetmore

I woke up at around 2-3 am. I was running a very high temperature. I put a thermometer to my mouth and it read 104 F. I knew something was wrong. It was not the usual fever that comes and leaves without much trouble. The next day, I was fully on fever medications and had intermittent spikes of fever. I had every symptom of dengue fever. Saddle back fever, extreme bone pain, retro-orbital pains and all just like it was written in the book. However, I did not want to get lab tests done or get admitted in a hospital. I knew that would be even more unbearable. However, I was also aware of the danger signs and the management of dengue fever. So I kept a check on myself for them and kept myself well hydrated. I did not take NSAIDs that might interfere with my platelet function. I treated myself the way I thought was the best !

The problem started when people close to me started accusing me of not reading for my exams, not taking responsibilities for my own health, not seeking medical attention etc. The fever also started getting worse. It made me severely myalgic and tired. I could not even stand. I even fell once when I tried to. Nausea and episodes of vomiting made the situation even worse. I ate very little. It was the most torturous period of my life. I had to read for my exam which I couldn't. Not even a bit ! I simply lay alone on my bed and slept most of the time.

As the day of the exam neared, I became more and more nervous. The fever was still the same. Death from dengue was even OK for me but flunking univs ! I couldn't even imagine what would happen if I flunked! No one was there to support me emotionally. No one who would tell me that I could get through, was close. Friends did text and sent Get well messages. But they seemed too superficial. I don't blame them. After all, they had their exams to study for !

On the day of the exam, I felt a little stronger. I was surprised cos I couldn't even stand by myself till then. I rode my bike by myself, drove up to the exam hall. I spoke with no one. (I know, speaking with people would discourage me, cos they'd be discussing the subject and I might not know). I wrote the test. But I did feel sleepy and tired most of the time. I didn't care much of what happened around me. Somehow I survived through the test. The fever and the terrible myalgia stayed with me for about 10 days in all.

The results. I did pass my exam with distinction.

But the moments of loneliness and the despair I had to go through were the most painful of all. That wasn't the direct effect of the dengue virus. Of course, the dengue viruses (the different serotypes) can attack together and can even kill. But this time though, the virus decided to run a benign course on me. But the pathological mechanisms of loneliness and despair were induced by the environment and the people around, and also by some of my own decisions. Anyway, after that painful period, when I had to play the role of a suffering patient, dengue left me a bit wiser !

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Dr. Abialbon Paul
Though my literary skill are almost non existent, I love blogging and photography.
My photopage: www.facebook.com/abialbonpaul.photos
This is my blog and is about a year old. Do feel free to roam around and communicate. Thank you.

Confessions of a Medico - I

I don't have anything 'interesting' to share on these 'confessions' or 'anonymous proposal' pages that have loomed over several social networking sites recently. But this is what happened to me during my medical undergraduate training.

The day I walked into JIPMER, my medical school, I absolutely had no sense of purpose. I had no great ambitions. I wasn't sure of my choice. I had cleared the eligibility tests for JIPMER, AIEEE and wasn't sure which one to choose. And I hadn't thought of other options ! (I had been selected for the National Biology Olympiad the previous year, which stimulated my interested in Biological sciences. I probably thought learning human physiology and pathology would be great.)

Just few days into my first year and I was sure I had made a wrong decision. I badly wanted to talk with someone. I wanted to throw a tantrum and somehow leave the course. Nothing materialized. I was not performing so well in the exams (Though, I never failed one!). As I was struggling through, something happened to me that changed me a lot ! Friends ! (Not the serial, I mean my real friends).

In the university exams that marked the end of the first year of MBBS, I topped all the three subjects. (Actually top marks in two subjects and 2 marks less than the topper in one). That motivated me to move forward. I moved to second year and loved the para-clinical subjects very well. But little did I realize that I had crossed the point of no return !

Second year went on well. But the third, the fourth and the internship were hell.

There was nothing wrong with the course. I simply did not like it. Further to make things worse, there was always a pain to torment me.

I had this problem of migraine for long. For many, migraine was just another headache. But for me, it was a brainquake that occurred once on a happy week, five to six days on a worse week ! The pain's worse, and the pre & post migraine phases were no better. They made me depressed many a time. They robbed me of every little joy in my heart and strength in my muscles.

I can't describe in full how much I suffered. I wanted to run away in between but was too tired to do so. Somehow, I passed every subject with distinction and got some gold medals too.

I don't say that I would have not suffered if I had chosen some other profession. Every profession has its own troubles. It's the passion for the profession that keeps people going. I found myself having none or too little passion towards this profession. However, in all these, I kept patient care a priority. You can read about some of my patient encounters in this blog.

Till now, I have no clear idea if I have made a wrong choice. But I have no regrets. Because, in the course of my MBBS, I have learnt the following: (and probably much more, I have failed to pen down here!)

1. "If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.", Sir  Isaac Newton said. If I have come this far, it's because I have stood on the shoulders of my friends.

2. If there's a God, I never understand why He won't intervene and change things for the better. But now, after crossing MBBS, I strangely feel so strong. I feel I can tackle anything that comes my way. I have seen the worst and have survived. Probably God has a purpose in everything of which we have little knowledge! Or that is how we should console ourselves!

3. I have learnt to live life. One day at a time. Trying my best to live life to the maximum.

4. What matters to me at the end of the day?
It's not the knowledge gained or the awards collected. It's not the Facebook likes or the no. of blogger page visits. Wisdom. Creativity and innovation. The positive impact I create on the life of people around me. The purity of love in my relationships. These are the things that matter most to me.

5. Happiness is what we create for ourselves. Respect & Trust are what we earn for ourselves. These are certain things that can never come by force or power.

That's all for now ! Happy week ahead !

Time to Think & Reflect

Since my childhood days, I've been a very curious kid. I loved to know about everything around me and it made me wonder. Why the sky looks blue? How does the twilight glow beautiful shades of red and violet? How do some birds simply stop flapping their wings and glide in the air? How does the TV work? etc...etc... my mind was always full of such questions. I remember, I'd go to my grandpa and ask him. He was such a treasure trove of information. He seemed to know a bit about everything. When he was away, I'd frequently visit the small private library near my house. I read more of science books & non fiction that novels.

I read a lot. I thought over it. I reflected. I wondered.

Time passed. Every year, I moved to a higher class. Year by year, the amount of information I had to read increased. Initially I was loving it. I always questioned "Why" and tried my best at finding the answers even if I couldn't find them in our standard text books. I referred many books. I spoke with elders. I appreciated the beauty of it. I appreciated the practical utility of it. I thought of more ways of using the information in my day to day life. "Wow", I'd wonder, when a brilliant idea or pattern emerged out of my thinking. But as time flew, more and more had to be read, memorized and many exams to be cleared. I read a lot. (was compelled to read a lot!). There was no time to reflect on what I read. There was no time to appreciate! I reckoned that I'd fallen into a pattern of reading, memorizing and vomiting. My 5.5 years in medical school were the worst in this regard.

I felt the burden of knowing more rather than the appreciating the beauty of what I read.
I read. I wrote the exams. I forgot.
I neither took time to reflect and nor to wonder.

Well, I guess it's easier to get lost in our busy schedules that we forget to think beyond the boundaries. Creativity and imagination, wisdom and insight, have to be cultivated in the garden of our minds. And for that you need to take time to think and reflect.

My favorite spot for tilling the garden of my mind is sitting in front of a gorgeous sunrise or a sunset! :-)