To FB or Not to FB !

I have been in Facebook for three years now and I find certain things very disturbing. This Facebook has brought more contempt to me that anything else.

- You are always on Facebook ! You should be jobless !
- You keep posting something or the other, you're trying to impress people.
- You are too egoistic ! Nobody is interested in your posts.
- You have few useless people always liking your useless posts !
- You are addicted to Facebook !

The above are some of the harsh remarks I've got over the past year. Fortunately these statements are made by only 4-6 people from my friend list of around 920 ! But it really hurts because my parents are also a part of this group !

Now why did I cling to Facebook for so long ?

When I started using Facebook, I used it as a medium for creative expression and to keep in touch with my friends. I had few rules for myself. I would not use Facebook to fight/argue with anyone. I would not use any bad language or hurt people with my posts or comments. I posted mostly original creative thoughts or inspirational quotes. I used it a lot to share my photography which I'd a passion for. Very rarely, if I'd hurt someone because of my posts or comments, I'd promptly apologize, remove the content and evaporate off the grudge.

The things that happened as a result was really pleasant. Some people really loved my posts. So many of my friends praised my photography and encouraged me. Some juniors found my posts useful and personally messaged me to thank me. I started a group called " DSA " where the day scholars in my college could meet online, share thoughts, knowledge and organize treats. It was received with good appreciation by some. Facebook also helped me to connect with juniors from other colleges who sometimes asked me for my opinion and advice. I never believed that I was competent enough to give any advice, but the conversations we had were really pleasant and was beneficial to both every time.

I short, I feel lonely most of the time. And the good natured relationships that I found here were the only things that kept me tied to Facebook.

But in due course of time, I developed enemies, I guess. I found few people making harsh remarks about me (like the above ones). One guy even used to scorn at me because my posts got some 41 likes ! That was a very unnecessary jealousy and envy. I am really not bothered about the likes !

I realize that it is impossible to please all. Some people consider me to be boastful or arrogant. How could they? I have never used an abusive word, never involved myself in any altercation and have genuinely tried to help people whenever I could.  And I have tolerated so many posts by others which were sometimes profane/abusive/irritating. I never complained. I would simply ignore them if I didn't like some content. I really don't understand why some people are too arrogant. Don't I have the right to voice my opinions on my own wall. There's always a un-friend option or block available to keep me out of sight if people didn't like. Why hurt me with unnecessary words ?

And in due course, I have also come across people who contact me only if they needed help. Fake smiles, fake emoticons and fake " Thanks so much, I'll never forget this help". I've seen it all.
Well, I am not saying that I was right all the time. I am not an angel from heaven. I've made some mistakes or hurt people too. But every time, I was prompt in apologizing. Even if I had some altercation very very rarely, I made sure that the grudge was destroyed before that midnight and peace ensured.

Now these few people who bear unnecessary grudge against me and treat me with contempt hurt me a lot. They are worsening my already troublesome inferiority complex. What I'm so worried that these hurts might slowly change my own nature. I am afraid that I might turn abusive and offensive too.

I'll have to do something about this. Delete my profile permanently? I would sure miss some people. Or may be I should delete my present profile and create a new one where I would add people selectively? I don't know but I'm too confused and hurt too.

Evenings are a special time !

Evenings are a special time

I look up pretending to be just fine

The silence, the solitude and the singleness

Without you, I feel nothing but emptiness

I lay still listenin' to the melancholy chime

Hoping you'd come back just in time.

- AP

Go, go... Ego !

This is about what happened some three years ago.

I just got reminded of it now and it makes me feel so sad, bad and mad !

When you tell someone you really care about, that that he was wrong and you are hurt, what response do you expect?? 

I have been a good friend as much as possible. We all have weakness. We have had fights before. When he was hurt and started a fight with me, I tried to speak, explain and sort things out. I tried my best to explain my situation and show the perspective from my side. There were many a times when I simply had to asked SORRY even if it was never my fault. Why? because I valued the relationship. Because when both get angry, any relationship becomes highly unstable. The fact that many a times I said SORRY was because he was furious and I wanted to save the relationship.

So at a time, when I was hurt and I tried to communicate that, I was quite polite and trying to sort the matters out. But the shocking thing happened. He was hurt because I said he was wrong! His hurt ego erupted a volcano hiding within him as if it waited for a perfect moment to explode. He used that occasion to accuse me of many many things which were of no practical concern. He was literally pouring oil in the burning fire.

I realized one thing. I was concerned in saving the relationship, he was concerned with his hurt feeling & puffing ego. It was idiotic. To stop the fire, I had to apologize again. 

We all have weaknesses. We commit idiotic errors at times without common sense. But in any relationship, at least one should put the relationship in front of their ego during a fight. And if the same person is going to do that every time, it's a highly unstable relationship again. 

I have so much of EGO. But day by day, I've am learning to put it down and trample it over my feet. It's worth it when it mends a broken smile on someone, relieves a hurt relationship or revives a dying one. But doing it all the time makes me feel used like a TRASH can.

Let go of your ego !

Dengue did not kill, despair almost did !

It was during the later half of my study holidays before the pre-final MBBS university exams, the time when a sense of fear and helplessness finally motivated me to start reading. On that evening, just 3 days before the first theory exam, I found myself lying on the bed with the book, casually reading. Suddenly, I felt the room get colder. I got up and turned off the fan and lay again. I felt a little fatigued too. I didn't bother much. I kept reading. But an uncomfortable feeling soon overcame me. I thought I might be running a fever. So I touched my forehead and felt it a little warmer than usual. I didn't understand why nor did I bother to take a pill. I kept on reading and checking my mobile phone for texts, as usual. But, in a matter of few minutes, I could feel my hot breath hit my chest. I was getting heated up and my skin was now feeling like a hot pot. I was a little disturbed. I took a paracetamol tablet, kept my book aside, put off the lights and closed my eyes. I hoped that everything would be OK when I woke up. I didn't speak about it to anybody in the house. It was around 8.30 pm when I fell asleep. It probably might have been very strange for others if they'd noticed that I'd slept so early with my exams right around the corner.

Angel of Grief  by William Wetmore

I woke up at around 2-3 am. I was running a very high temperature. I put a thermometer to my mouth and it read 104 F. I knew something was wrong. It was not the usual fever that comes and leaves without much trouble. The next day, I was fully on fever medications and had intermittent spikes of fever. I had every symptom of dengue fever. Saddle back fever, extreme bone pain, retro-orbital pains and all just like it was written in the book. However, I did not want to get lab tests done or get admitted in a hospital. I knew that would be even more unbearable. However, I was also aware of the danger signs and the management of dengue fever. So I kept a check on myself for them and kept myself well hydrated. I did not take NSAIDs that might interfere with my platelet function. I treated myself the way I thought was the best !

The problem started when people close to me started accusing me of not reading for my exams, not taking responsibilities for my own health, not seeking medical attention etc. The fever also started getting worse. It made me severely myalgic and tired. I could not even stand. I even fell once when I tried to. Nausea and episodes of vomiting made the situation even worse. I ate very little. It was the most torturous period of my life. I had to read for my exam which I couldn't. Not even a bit ! I simply lay alone on my bed and slept most of the time.

As the day of the exam neared, I became more and more nervous. The fever was still the same. Death from dengue was even OK for me but flunking univs ! I couldn't even imagine what would happen if I flunked! No one was there to support me emotionally. No one who would tell me that I could get through, was close. Friends did text and sent Get well messages. But they seemed too superficial. I don't blame them. After all, they had their exams to study for !

On the day of the exam, I felt a little stronger. I was surprised cos I couldn't even stand by myself till then. I rode my bike by myself, drove up to the exam hall. I spoke with no one. (I know, speaking with people would discourage me, cos they'd be discussing the subject and I might not know). I wrote the test. But I did feel sleepy and tired most of the time. I didn't care much of what happened around me. Somehow I survived through the test. The fever and the terrible myalgia stayed with me for about 10 days in all.

The results. I did pass my exam with distinction.

But the moments of loneliness and the despair I had to go through were the most painful of all. That wasn't the direct effect of the dengue virus. Of course, the dengue viruses (the different serotypes) can attack together and can even kill. But this time though, the virus decided to run a benign course on me. But the pathological mechanisms of loneliness and despair were induced by the environment and the people around, and also by some of my own decisions. Anyway, after that painful period, when I had to play the role of a suffering patient, dengue left me a bit wiser !

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Dr. Abialbon Paul
Though my literary skill are almost non existent, I love blogging and photography.
My photopage: www.facebook.com/abialbonpaul.photos
This is my blog and is about a year old. Do feel free to roam around and communicate. Thank you.

Passion of Photography - Redefined !

I haven't picked up the camera for about two weeks. Some people told me that I might have got bored with photography. I was kinda depressed too. So took my camera for a ride today & shot these. Do leave comments. Thank you.

The Forest Flame

Dusky reflections (Thoughts)

Chatter on the beach

Any time is a time to play !

Landscapes - 1

Landscapes - 2

Magnificent sunset ! 

Magnificent sunset ! 

The Bare Tree

If you like my photography, do visit my Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Abialbonpaul.photos